Positive...

Each day is just a day...yet they always bleed into each other. The pushing has stopped. And the negativity has begun. I am tired of hearing the negative. I try to be positive...really try. But it is hard when your support is not. I am tired. I feel like life is being sucked out of me. I hate it. Things are hard right now. Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. Everything seems to go not so good at the same time. AAAAHHHHH. I have to think things will get better, easier. I want to know it.

Maybe I need pushed.

What can I do?

Life....Today I hate my life. I hate the pressure of change. I hate that you can't have a conversation without it turning into a guilt trip. I hate everything today. I have a headache. I can't think. I don't have the right words to explain how I feel. No I do have the words but you don't want to hear them because you don't like them. I can't help that I think logically sometimes. I worry about the what if's. What if we hate it? What if we give up alot and get nothing in return? What if we can't do it? What if...what if...what if. I try to support you in all that you do. I want to support you. But....... I am not scared of change. I just don't like being pushed into it. Why is it that I can explain to a stranger (if need be) my thoughts...my concerns...my hesitation...yet when it comes to you....I can't. I get two sentences out and then nothing...I become that person....the one who cares too much. I shouldn't feel that way with you. I should be able to tell you anything...and not be worried of what you think...or how it is going to upset you...I should be able to tell you. What is this...what kind of relationship do we have....Surface. That is what I think. It's all just surface. We enjoy each other most of the time....we have fun...But when it comes to the real stuff....the hard things...what should be the base..our foundation...what do we have....nothing. Did we ever have anything.... how did we make it this far with nothing. I don't know what to do. How do I fix it? What can I do?