HELLO again.

it has literally been forever. It feels like forever. We currently live in Salem. I hate it here. We want to move back in the next month or so. How can I hate it there so much and hate it here enough to go back? This seems so bizarre to me. Chris and I have been getting along. Yet I still question sometimes. I don't know why. He would be so hurt if he knew that... I want to make our lives stronger together but everything seems to pull us apart. Oh and we are having a baby. I am due in October. I was scared and sad....but now I am excited. A new little baby, a sweet face to love. I never have ever felt like babies bring people together, it just makes it more of a challenge. I hope that isn't the case...like make you or break you...I want to feel the strength of love pulling me in and not the confusion pulling me away. I hope I am not the only one who has ever felt like this. Back and forth over and over. I wish I would never question.

Boredum....

OK well blogging has been like the last thing on my mind lately. But I am beyond bored right now so I thought....Lets Blog...why not right?.
Lets see...I have been working, have made some new friends, and have been having some fun. Its nice. From not having an abundance of friends to quite a few. You know what I mean. Friends that you can call anytime and know that they will do something with you at a drop of a hat. Ok so their single..but they do have kids. It has been really nice. Work is just work...nothing exciting there.
Today is our 8th anniversary. Eight years...wow. It feels like forever when you say that number...but when you think about the time it really doesn't feel like that long. I guess that is a good thing.
I am so bored right now I can't even think of anything to write about...that is ridiculous.

UGH......

Well. Here it goes. Chris came home. We are staying. It wasn't a good thing. His job wasn't a good one. At least wasn't a safe one. So we are here. Still. I am disappointed that we didn't move. I was really looking forward to a new start. Somewhere that I didn't know anyone. We could be who ever we wanted to be without thought. But we are still here. Chris has changed. Not as much as I would have thought. But he does seem to realize what is more important now. Family not money. Time not things.

It is actually good. Slightly stressed...well more then slightly. But still good.

Why??

so here is the question of the day...or year or lifetime. Depending on who you are.
Why is it that women stay with men who are controlling assholes?
I have never understood this. Yes I know...you love them, can't imagine your life without them....etc etc etc. But really do they make your life better? Do you enjoy the fights? The fact you can't have friends that they don't agree with? Or if you make one mistake it will be held over you forever even after forgiveness has been given? Really. Really. I am confused. I guess I can't imagine living my life that way. Always wondering what has made them mad. I mean don't get me wrong I understand loving someone...but how is it that they can love you and treat you so badly? The answer is they don't. They don't love you...they are using you, to make themselves feel better.
I wish there was something I could say to make everything better. Make them the way you want them to be...I mean what else could a friend do. It makes my heart sad....that you don't know what you are worth...what you deserve...is better then what you have ever had.
That is the truth. You could have better...so much better. Beyond what you could even comprehend. If you only knew what life could be....you would never go back or question. Hopefully one day you will see what everyone else sees.

I will make it ok.

Well it has been a while. I am trying to decided what to blog about. Most recently...Chris has a new job. He should be there on the 15th of October...In Colorado. Yes you read it right. Colorado. I am exciting yet nervous yet more exciting...and still trying to not be too excited. I don't want to be too excited because I don't want to get my hopes up. So Chris is going to go, start his job, check things out. Make sure that this is what he wants. Then later we will go. It makes me nervous. I have never lived that far away from my family before. But as they say....Fear is what prevents you from achieving greatness. If you are afraid of trying new things...you will never get to where you want to be. So I am trying to be supportive, excited, happy for something new. Even though sometimes I feel that I need my family....I need their support.
You know how there are things you know you should be doing or not doing. So is it easier when there is someone there to encourage or to be on your own to make decisions based on choices you make? I have tried the encouragement side. But what if it gets worse when I am away from everyone I know. Ok I want to cry now. I am worried I will be sad, lonely and make not the best decisions because of those things.
I have to stop thinking that way. Think positive. Know that everything will be fine. I will make it ok. I feel that certain feeling in my chest of worry, nervousness, and over all anxiety. Back to medication. I have been slacking on making sure I take it. I need to make sure. Especially with all this.

Portland.

So I am in Portland this weekend. And usually I love going out of town. But this time I wish I was at home. Chris didn't come. Which is fine. But Portland why did it have to be Portland. All I do is think of you. I have flash backs of the past. The regrets I have had. Even though I know that it doesn't matter anymore, it is still prevalent in my heart. I guess I don't know that it doesn't matter. That is the thing. I don't want it to matter but it does. I know it does. To me and to you. I look for you in everyones faces. But I don't need to. But its a habit. A habit that has happened for a long time. I have just realized it recently. That I do that. Look for you. Everywhere I go. Its weird. Yet I can't stop it.



I can tell I haven't taken my medication today. I forgot this morning. I can tell every time I forget. My mood is lower then that days that I remember. I feel sad and think of all the things I want different. When I take the medication I feel good and don't think about the things that make me sad. Or maybe I do but it doesn't make me sad. I have no feeling about it. That is the only thing I can think of. I am numb to the sadness. Yet I love to laugh. It is easy for me to laugh. It is great. I feel good and enjoy people and don't care if people are upset or taking things out on me. It doesn't phase me. So I need to remember.



Side note:

I have been working on my communication. It has been a good experience. So far it hasn't hurt me. (who would have thought) I don't know if Chris was quite prepared for it but I think he is ok with it. He is tired of me thinking my opinion and what I want doesn't matter. So I have been telling him. It is hard but easy at the same time. Maybe even empowering. I'll keep you updated.

My true love.

I have come to realize that I am deeply in love with my husband. I would do anything for him. For a while I was questioning my feelings for him. And it took a while for me to understand my feelings and questions. But now I know. I love him. I don't want to be with anyone else but him. He cares about me, my feelings. He would never do anything to hurt me intentionally. I love the fact he makes me laugh. I love to laugh and need that in my life. Everything I need he gives me. He gives me happiness. Maybe not with money(even though he does try) but with everything else. He supports me with my craziness. With everything I have been going through, he has stood by me telling me it will be okay. That I will feel better. I think you never really know how much you care for someone until something bad happens. And I am not meaning bad in the way you might think. Like death. But just something. It could only be bad in your head...it just makes you truly know the people that mean the most to you. I couldn't appreciate him any more and for sure not any less. Of course you go through life and think about how you couldn't survive without your loved one. At least I have done that. I try to imagine what my life would be like if the ones I love died. You know that can happen anytime. I know its a little morbid. But it makes things clearer. If you have that feeling in your chest, throat, eyes...you know what I mean. You know that that person means the world to you. I have always got that feeling..of heartache and sadness. And now I know that is a real true feeling. I will never take him for granted. I love him with every part of my body. I could never replace him. I wish he knew how much I love him. But I don't think he does.