Well my in-laws are coming for a visit and I am on a cleaning rampage. They will be here on Friday. Stress....stress....stress. Chris always gets totally freaked out when he sees them. He cares way too much about what they think. He feels like he a failure when it comes to them. I try to tell him...look at all the things you have accomplished...you have a good job, a family, a house. But it all has to appear perfect. Its frustrating to me that he can't see the good he has done, how far he has gone. Sure there are things that could be better...everyone has those things that COULD be better. You work on them..try to make them better...but don't let those things make you feel like you haven't done anything. We have worked through alot and have a child that we are raising..we might not do everything right in regards to that...okay I am sure we don't do most things right with raising him...but we are trying. We make mistakes and we try again. I want Chris to be proud of himself. He has come a long way in his life. I am sure he wouldn't have seen himself at this point 9 years ago. Please be proud. You are doing awesome. Mistakes happen...and even with all those mistakes, look what you have done. No one else should tell you if you have done your best....you know inside what you have done...

Positive...

Each day is just a day...yet they always bleed into each other. The pushing has stopped. And the negativity has begun. I am tired of hearing the negative. I try to be positive...really try. But it is hard when your support is not. I am tired. I feel like life is being sucked out of me. I hate it. Things are hard right now. Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. Everything seems to go not so good at the same time. AAAAHHHHH. I have to think things will get better, easier. I want to know it.

Maybe I need pushed.

What can I do?

Life....Today I hate my life. I hate the pressure of change. I hate that you can't have a conversation without it turning into a guilt trip. I hate everything today. I have a headache. I can't think. I don't have the right words to explain how I feel. No I do have the words but you don't want to hear them because you don't like them. I can't help that I think logically sometimes. I worry about the what if's. What if we hate it? What if we give up alot and get nothing in return? What if we can't do it? What if...what if...what if. I try to support you in all that you do. I want to support you. But....... I am not scared of change. I just don't like being pushed into it. Why is it that I can explain to a stranger (if need be) my thoughts...my concerns...my hesitation...yet when it comes to you....I can't. I get two sentences out and then nothing...I become that person....the one who cares too much. I shouldn't feel that way with you. I should be able to tell you anything...and not be worried of what you think...or how it is going to upset you...I should be able to tell you. What is this...what kind of relationship do we have....Surface. That is what I think. It's all just surface. We enjoy each other most of the time....we have fun...But when it comes to the real stuff....the hard things...what should be the base..our foundation...what do we have....nothing. Did we ever have anything.... how did we make it this far with nothing. I don't know what to do. How do I fix it? What can I do?

Motivation.....Where?

Well here I am. Sitting here. Again. I should be doing all my wife duties...you know.. the "fun stuff"...laundry, dishes, cleaning the floors. Yet no motivation. I think I have a real problem with motivation. In every aspect not just the daily duties. How is it that someone or me want something in their mind so much yet I can't get motivated. At all. I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me. Why don't I have any drive. For my entire life people always ask me what are your goals? I don't know. I have never had any goals that were farther than days away. I don't consider them real goals. In my mind goals are what you want to accomplish in a set amount of time usually a month, months, year, years. Not like next week I am going to paint the bathroom. That is not a real goal to me. I know if you have goals you have something to work towards. Is that the motivation? I believe goals help the motivation. Then again I do I really know. I haven't really had real goals. I never had a goal to go to college. I should have. But didn't. Sometimes I think of how I would like to go now...but for what. I don't know what I am even interested in. If I could go to school for anything what would it be? No clue. Apparently I am indecisive. I don't think of myself like that...but honestly I must be. I think I am easily distracted. It is so frustrating. So basically I need to set some goals. That is something to think about.

Opening

Well I thought I would give this blogging thing a try. I feel like I don't have that much to say..but you never know it might be good for me. I read other blogs and think ' wow they are so open and free with what they write' how could I ever be like that. I have always been a very reserved person and always cared about what other people thought. I don't want to be so worried. I can't help it. I am trying to break free from that. How do I accomplish that? Thats what I need to know. I don't want to be judged. I don't want anyone to think less of me. Do I think less of others when they speak their mind? I don't think so. It encourages me. Maybe. I feel trapped in my mind. Keeping everything inside. Everything that matters anyway. I want to enjoy myself. I want to feel free of other peoples thoughts. Then I think about it...am I even in others thoughts? Probably not. Not like what I imagine. My life has been full of pleasing others. I think that is why I think the way I do. Even when I can't I still try. I hate it. Hate is a word full of meaning...that is the right word. Hate. Sometimes I feel like I hate myself for not doing for me. But then I feel that is selfish. It should be even. Or at least a little for me. Right? Life is complicated. Pleasing is complicated. Not pleasing is complicated. My mind tells me to do what I feel in my heart. I am scared...of doing what my heart tells me.