Motivation.....Where?

Well here I am. Sitting here. Again. I should be doing all my wife duties...you know.. the "fun stuff"...laundry, dishes, cleaning the floors. Yet no motivation. I think I have a real problem with motivation. In every aspect not just the daily duties. How is it that someone or me want something in their mind so much yet I can't get motivated. At all. I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me. Why don't I have any drive. For my entire life people always ask me what are your goals? I don't know. I have never had any goals that were farther than days away. I don't consider them real goals. In my mind goals are what you want to accomplish in a set amount of time usually a month, months, year, years. Not like next week I am going to paint the bathroom. That is not a real goal to me. I know if you have goals you have something to work towards. Is that the motivation? I believe goals help the motivation. Then again I do I really know. I haven't really had real goals. I never had a goal to go to college. I should have. But didn't. Sometimes I think of how I would like to go now...but for what. I don't know what I am even interested in. If I could go to school for anything what would it be? No clue. Apparently I am indecisive. I don't think of myself like that...but honestly I must be. I think I am easily distracted. It is so frustrating. So basically I need to set some goals. That is something to think about.

Opening

Well I thought I would give this blogging thing a try. I feel like I don't have that much to say..but you never know it might be good for me. I read other blogs and think ' wow they are so open and free with what they write' how could I ever be like that. I have always been a very reserved person and always cared about what other people thought. I don't want to be so worried. I can't help it. I am trying to break free from that. How do I accomplish that? Thats what I need to know. I don't want to be judged. I don't want anyone to think less of me. Do I think less of others when they speak their mind? I don't think so. It encourages me. Maybe. I feel trapped in my mind. Keeping everything inside. Everything that matters anyway. I want to enjoy myself. I want to feel free of other peoples thoughts. Then I think about it...am I even in others thoughts? Probably not. Not like what I imagine. My life has been full of pleasing others. I think that is why I think the way I do. Even when I can't I still try. I hate it. Hate is a word full of meaning...that is the right word. Hate. Sometimes I feel like I hate myself for not doing for me. But then I feel that is selfish. It should be even. Or at least a little for me. Right? Life is complicated. Pleasing is complicated. Not pleasing is complicated. My mind tells me to do what I feel in my heart. I am scared...of doing what my heart tells me.