Opening

Well I thought I would give this blogging thing a try. I feel like I don't have that much to say..but you never know it might be good for me. I read other blogs and think ' wow they are so open and free with what they write' how could I ever be like that. I have always been a very reserved person and always cared about what other people thought. I don't want to be so worried. I can't help it. I am trying to break free from that. How do I accomplish that? Thats what I need to know. I don't want to be judged. I don't want anyone to think less of me. Do I think less of others when they speak their mind? I don't think so. It encourages me. Maybe. I feel trapped in my mind. Keeping everything inside. Everything that matters anyway. I want to enjoy myself. I want to feel free of other peoples thoughts. Then I think about it...am I even in others thoughts? Probably not. Not like what I imagine. My life has been full of pleasing others. I think that is why I think the way I do. Even when I can't I still try. I hate it. Hate is a word full of meaning...that is the right word. Hate. Sometimes I feel like I hate myself for not doing for me. But then I feel that is selfish. It should be even. Or at least a little for me. Right? Life is complicated. Pleasing is complicated. Not pleasing is complicated. My mind tells me to do what I feel in my heart. I am scared...of doing what my heart tells me.