Portland.

So I am in Portland this weekend. And usually I love going out of town. But this time I wish I was at home. Chris didn't come. Which is fine. But Portland why did it have to be Portland. All I do is think of you. I have flash backs of the past. The regrets I have had. Even though I know that it doesn't matter anymore, it is still prevalent in my heart. I guess I don't know that it doesn't matter. That is the thing. I don't want it to matter but it does. I know it does. To me and to you. I look for you in everyones faces. But I don't need to. But its a habit. A habit that has happened for a long time. I have just realized it recently. That I do that. Look for you. Everywhere I go. Its weird. Yet I can't stop it.



I can tell I haven't taken my medication today. I forgot this morning. I can tell every time I forget. My mood is lower then that days that I remember. I feel sad and think of all the things I want different. When I take the medication I feel good and don't think about the things that make me sad. Or maybe I do but it doesn't make me sad. I have no feeling about it. That is the only thing I can think of. I am numb to the sadness. Yet I love to laugh. It is easy for me to laugh. It is great. I feel good and enjoy people and don't care if people are upset or taking things out on me. It doesn't phase me. So I need to remember.



Side note:

I have been working on my communication. It has been a good experience. So far it hasn't hurt me. (who would have thought) I don't know if Chris was quite prepared for it but I think he is ok with it. He is tired of me thinking my opinion and what I want doesn't matter. So I have been telling him. It is hard but easy at the same time. Maybe even empowering. I'll keep you updated.

My true love.

I have come to realize that I am deeply in love with my husband. I would do anything for him. For a while I was questioning my feelings for him. And it took a while for me to understand my feelings and questions. But now I know. I love him. I don't want to be with anyone else but him. He cares about me, my feelings. He would never do anything to hurt me intentionally. I love the fact he makes me laugh. I love to laugh and need that in my life. Everything I need he gives me. He gives me happiness. Maybe not with money(even though he does try) but with everything else. He supports me with my craziness. With everything I have been going through, he has stood by me telling me it will be okay. That I will feel better. I think you never really know how much you care for someone until something bad happens. And I am not meaning bad in the way you might think. Like death. But just something. It could only be bad in your head...it just makes you truly know the people that mean the most to you. I couldn't appreciate him any more and for sure not any less. Of course you go through life and think about how you couldn't survive without your loved one. At least I have done that. I try to imagine what my life would be like if the ones I love died. You know that can happen anytime. I know its a little morbid. But it makes things clearer. If you have that feeling in your chest, throat, eyes...you know what I mean. You know that that person means the world to you. I have always got that feeling..of heartache and sadness. And now I know that is a real true feeling. I will never take him for granted. I love him with every part of my body. I could never replace him. I wish he knew how much I love him. But I don't think he does.

Sadness....please go away.

How can your heart hurt so much. I want to feel happiness again. To show it with a smile. But it doesn't come. Sadness is all I feel. No matter what is said, done or felt it doesn't change. The hurt is still there. I feel it deep inside me permeating every part of my body. There is nothing that isn't affected. The tears won't stop. The feeling won't stop. The sadness doesn't subside. I have never felt like this before. It's much worse. Don't try to make me smile. Don't try to fix it. It doesn't work. It's just annoying. I don't want to be upset. Don't you think I would fix it if I could. No matter how much I think this is for the best it doesn't make it easier. I desire to appreciate the people and things in my life. What each person brings to make my life better and more enjoyable. But I don't know how to anymore. How do you forget something that has been part of your life for so long? Its there permanently. Embedded in to my heart and soul. As much as I know not having it there would be for the best, I can't make it go away. I am scared of losing it. Can I live without it? Can I survive? I understand the reasoning. I really do. But it doesn't make it hurt less.

This is us.

"I'm About To Come Alive"

I can hear you downstairs crying on the phone
Telling someone that I'm here but you still feel all alone
Maybe we were too young
Goodbye, I've gotta go
I can hear the baby waking up
Got to get back to the life I know

I should have never believed him
Maybe I should just leave him

Maybe I'm not but you're all I got left to believe in
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive
And I know that it's been hard
And it's been a long time coming
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive

No one thought I was good enough for you
Except for you
Don't let them be right
After all that we've been through
'Cause somewhere over that rainbow
There's a place for me
A place with you

In every frame upon our wall
Lies a face that's seen it all
Through ups and downs and then more downs
We helped each other off of the ground
No one knows what we've been through

Making it ain't making it without you