Portland.

So I am in Portland this weekend. And usually I love going out of town. But this time I wish I was at home. Chris didn't come. Which is fine. But Portland why did it have to be Portland. All I do is think of you. I have flash backs of the past. The regrets I have had. Even though I know that it doesn't matter anymore, it is still prevalent in my heart. I guess I don't know that it doesn't matter. That is the thing. I don't want it to matter but it does. I know it does. To me and to you. I look for you in everyones faces. But I don't need to. But its a habit. A habit that has happened for a long time. I have just realized it recently. That I do that. Look for you. Everywhere I go. Its weird. Yet I can't stop it.



I can tell I haven't taken my medication today. I forgot this morning. I can tell every time I forget. My mood is lower then that days that I remember. I feel sad and think of all the things I want different. When I take the medication I feel good and don't think about the things that make me sad. Or maybe I do but it doesn't make me sad. I have no feeling about it. That is the only thing I can think of. I am numb to the sadness. Yet I love to laugh. It is easy for me to laugh. It is great. I feel good and enjoy people and don't care if people are upset or taking things out on me. It doesn't phase me. So I need to remember.



Side note:

I have been working on my communication. It has been a good experience. So far it hasn't hurt me. (who would have thought) I don't know if Chris was quite prepared for it but I think he is ok with it. He is tired of me thinking my opinion and what I want doesn't matter. So I have been telling him. It is hard but easy at the same time. Maybe even empowering. I'll keep you updated.