UGH......

Well. Here it goes. Chris came home. We are staying. It wasn't a good thing. His job wasn't a good one. At least wasn't a safe one. So we are here. Still. I am disappointed that we didn't move. I was really looking forward to a new start. Somewhere that I didn't know anyone. We could be who ever we wanted to be without thought. But we are still here. Chris has changed. Not as much as I would have thought. But he does seem to realize what is more important now. Family not money. Time not things.

It is actually good. Slightly stressed...well more then slightly. But still good.

Why??

so here is the question of the day...or year or lifetime. Depending on who you are.
Why is it that women stay with men who are controlling assholes?
I have never understood this. Yes I know...you love them, can't imagine your life without them....etc etc etc. But really do they make your life better? Do you enjoy the fights? The fact you can't have friends that they don't agree with? Or if you make one mistake it will be held over you forever even after forgiveness has been given? Really. Really. I am confused. I guess I can't imagine living my life that way. Always wondering what has made them mad. I mean don't get me wrong I understand loving someone...but how is it that they can love you and treat you so badly? The answer is they don't. They don't love you...they are using you, to make themselves feel better.
I wish there was something I could say to make everything better. Make them the way you want them to be...I mean what else could a friend do. It makes my heart sad....that you don't know what you are worth...what you deserve...is better then what you have ever had.
That is the truth. You could have better...so much better. Beyond what you could even comprehend. If you only knew what life could be....you would never go back or question. Hopefully one day you will see what everyone else sees.

I will make it ok.

Well it has been a while. I am trying to decided what to blog about. Most recently...Chris has a new job. He should be there on the 15th of October...In Colorado. Yes you read it right. Colorado. I am exciting yet nervous yet more exciting...and still trying to not be too excited. I don't want to be too excited because I don't want to get my hopes up. So Chris is going to go, start his job, check things out. Make sure that this is what he wants. Then later we will go. It makes me nervous. I have never lived that far away from my family before. But as they say....Fear is what prevents you from achieving greatness. If you are afraid of trying new things...you will never get to where you want to be. So I am trying to be supportive, excited, happy for something new. Even though sometimes I feel that I need my family....I need their support.
You know how there are things you know you should be doing or not doing. So is it easier when there is someone there to encourage or to be on your own to make decisions based on choices you make? I have tried the encouragement side. But what if it gets worse when I am away from everyone I know. Ok I want to cry now. I am worried I will be sad, lonely and make not the best decisions because of those things.
I have to stop thinking that way. Think positive. Know that everything will be fine. I will make it ok. I feel that certain feeling in my chest of worry, nervousness, and over all anxiety. Back to medication. I have been slacking on making sure I take it. I need to make sure. Especially with all this.

Portland.

So I am in Portland this weekend. And usually I love going out of town. But this time I wish I was at home. Chris didn't come. Which is fine. But Portland why did it have to be Portland. All I do is think of you. I have flash backs of the past. The regrets I have had. Even though I know that it doesn't matter anymore, it is still prevalent in my heart. I guess I don't know that it doesn't matter. That is the thing. I don't want it to matter but it does. I know it does. To me and to you. I look for you in everyones faces. But I don't need to. But its a habit. A habit that has happened for a long time. I have just realized it recently. That I do that. Look for you. Everywhere I go. Its weird. Yet I can't stop it.



I can tell I haven't taken my medication today. I forgot this morning. I can tell every time I forget. My mood is lower then that days that I remember. I feel sad and think of all the things I want different. When I take the medication I feel good and don't think about the things that make me sad. Or maybe I do but it doesn't make me sad. I have no feeling about it. That is the only thing I can think of. I am numb to the sadness. Yet I love to laugh. It is easy for me to laugh. It is great. I feel good and enjoy people and don't care if people are upset or taking things out on me. It doesn't phase me. So I need to remember.



Side note:

I have been working on my communication. It has been a good experience. So far it hasn't hurt me. (who would have thought) I don't know if Chris was quite prepared for it but I think he is ok with it. He is tired of me thinking my opinion and what I want doesn't matter. So I have been telling him. It is hard but easy at the same time. Maybe even empowering. I'll keep you updated.

My true love.

I have come to realize that I am deeply in love with my husband. I would do anything for him. For a while I was questioning my feelings for him. And it took a while for me to understand my feelings and questions. But now I know. I love him. I don't want to be with anyone else but him. He cares about me, my feelings. He would never do anything to hurt me intentionally. I love the fact he makes me laugh. I love to laugh and need that in my life. Everything I need he gives me. He gives me happiness. Maybe not with money(even though he does try) but with everything else. He supports me with my craziness. With everything I have been going through, he has stood by me telling me it will be okay. That I will feel better. I think you never really know how much you care for someone until something bad happens. And I am not meaning bad in the way you might think. Like death. But just something. It could only be bad in your head...it just makes you truly know the people that mean the most to you. I couldn't appreciate him any more and for sure not any less. Of course you go through life and think about how you couldn't survive without your loved one. At least I have done that. I try to imagine what my life would be like if the ones I love died. You know that can happen anytime. I know its a little morbid. But it makes things clearer. If you have that feeling in your chest, throat, eyes...you know what I mean. You know that that person means the world to you. I have always got that feeling..of heartache and sadness. And now I know that is a real true feeling. I will never take him for granted. I love him with every part of my body. I could never replace him. I wish he knew how much I love him. But I don't think he does.

Sadness....please go away.

How can your heart hurt so much. I want to feel happiness again. To show it with a smile. But it doesn't come. Sadness is all I feel. No matter what is said, done or felt it doesn't change. The hurt is still there. I feel it deep inside me permeating every part of my body. There is nothing that isn't affected. The tears won't stop. The feeling won't stop. The sadness doesn't subside. I have never felt like this before. It's much worse. Don't try to make me smile. Don't try to fix it. It doesn't work. It's just annoying. I don't want to be upset. Don't you think I would fix it if I could. No matter how much I think this is for the best it doesn't make it easier. I desire to appreciate the people and things in my life. What each person brings to make my life better and more enjoyable. But I don't know how to anymore. How do you forget something that has been part of your life for so long? Its there permanently. Embedded in to my heart and soul. As much as I know not having it there would be for the best, I can't make it go away. I am scared of losing it. Can I live without it? Can I survive? I understand the reasoning. I really do. But it doesn't make it hurt less.

This is us.

"I'm About To Come Alive"

I can hear you downstairs crying on the phone
Telling someone that I'm here but you still feel all alone
Maybe we were too young
Goodbye, I've gotta go
I can hear the baby waking up
Got to get back to the life I know

I should have never believed him
Maybe I should just leave him

Maybe I'm not but you're all I got left to believe in
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive
And I know that it's been hard
And it's been a long time coming
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive

No one thought I was good enough for you
Except for you
Don't let them be right
After all that we've been through
'Cause somewhere over that rainbow
There's a place for me
A place with you

In every frame upon our wall
Lies a face that's seen it all
Through ups and downs and then more downs
We helped each other off of the ground
No one knows what we've been through

Making it ain't making it without you

well meds are my friend.

So I am working my ass off. 3 jobs. We are getting a ton of stuff taken care of around the house. Well I should say Chris is. I have not been helping too much. I went to see the doctor this week. And I now am on medication for depression. I hope that helps. Anything would be better than this feeling. So again with the poor me story. But I am doing something about it. I also am going to start counseling. That should be interesting. I have never done that and I am alittle worried. Its like you need to talk about things but how do you bring that up. Oh I guess I want to talk about how I hate my life and don't think I can fix it. I guess we will see.
Chris is trying so hard cuz he knows I feel like crap. I have never seen him like this. I appreciate him more and more everyday. He is trying so hard to make things easier on me. One day I will know what I want and know how to get it. Until then...just keep working through all the confusion.

New hair..........new job.

So...I have new hair. I really like it. It is definitely short. But I do like it. And I have a new job. So all together I am feeling pretty good. I am very tired. I forgot how much I hate mornings. Hate with a capital H. But so far so good. I am now starting to panic at all the things I have to get done. I have had 9 months to get them done..but no. All that really matters is that I am feeling better. It is nice to get out of the house. I think I am really going to like my job. It is at a bank being a teller. Once again I have to be nice to people. Anywho...thought I should do an update. And a positive one at that....what the heck is going on.

Forever.

I scream in silence...

I scream in silence
what can I do
I scream in silence
at the pain I caused you

I scream in silence
at the hope I once had
I scream in silence
that is why my heart is so sad

I scream in silence
with your pain in my heart
I scream in silence
why couldn't I see it from the start

I scream in silence
at what I lost
I scream in silence
but at what cost

I scream in silence
all I want is to be true
I scream in silence
I DO love you!

It has been confirmed....damn it.

Well it is official. I have been told by someone else, that I have changed. I have recently spoken with a friend who I haven't seen in 10 years. ...and guess what...I have been informed that I am not the same. I have changed. So it is not only me who feels that way. Its kinda nice to know that is isn't just me imagining it. but then again...do I really want it confirmed? No. I tried to explain it to Chris the other night. Don't think he understands me. I told him that I feel like I am living this life as a different person...its not really me. I have lost myself. which is sad to say. I explained that I don't have anything that I enjoy. I know what he enjoys doing...but don't even know what I enjoy. That is ridiculous. I don't know what has made me change..but I am pretty sure I am not okay with it. I know I know...again with the same old crap...but It seem relevant since it was confirmed by someone else. I am tired of feeling bad..I want to be happy. I want to change...but what? Someone help me.
I have decided to go to a parenting class. Hopefully that will help me decipher between Tara and "mom". At least its something...got to start somewhere right?

always in my heart.

				You
				by jenawin
				ocean waves wash my soul cleanse me of your smile and the memory of ten fingers entwined forever in a hopeless wish

Clutch...Dodge Swinger

Well 2 weekends ago we went to Portland. I got tickets to see Clutch..(one of Chris' favorite bands). It was a total surprise. I told him we were going to Medford to see a play in Ashland. He was less then excited. The day we were leaving I told him that we were actually going to Portland. Once we got there then I shared the good stuff. We were going to see Clutch. He was so excited. It is weird. We were at the concert and he was so happy. Totally taking in every word they were singing. I was standing back just watching. I loved the look on his face. Pure Joy. That was the look that I remember from many years ago. Happiness...It was the best anniversary gift yet I think. We stayed in a hotel on Burnside...yikes I know. But it was pretty cool. It had a hair salon and a tattoo parlor on site. Which is totally our style. The rooms were all mod decor. I loved it. Things have been going pretty well since then. Sometimes you just need a break from everyday life.
Its funny, Chris started listening to Clutch when his friend told him about one of their songs that talks about a Dodge Swinger...which is the type of car I had then. Since then he has been hooked. And I have to say I like them too. I try to keep that a secret..just so I can mix up the music we listen to...but I think he knows I like them now.



my car looked just like this one...minus the white stripe on the butt. I loved that car. I almost cried when I had to sell it. Really loved it.

Life

Well I have decided to start looking for a job. I think I need to get out of the house and have normal conversations with people. well you know what I mean. What I want to do, don't know. I think anything at this point would be okay. I was filling out a survey the other day and it asked what I want to be when I grow up. Well to say the least...I had a complete blank. Not one thing came to mind. UGH. This blog is already starting to sound like the others... I think I would have a better idea if I could take some classes or something to get my mind thinking again. But that would take money..which we don't have much of while I don't work. So here were are at the beginning of the circle again. Okay so I love doing crafts...being creative...making things makes me a proud person. So if anyone has any suggestions....let me know. Maybe I am just being negative....I need outside opinions.

How sweet.

Is this not the sweetest face you have ever seen? I love this picture. It is my favorite. It just makes me smile. My brother took new photos yesterday. Caelum is growing up so fast and looks so big. He is now 4 years old. Dang it the girls are going to love him. Great. I am not ready for that nonsense.
He makes his mommy proud...especially when he looks this sweet.

The great outdoors...

Today was such an awesome day....sunny and warm (in the sun). I actually worked in my yard. You can almost tell I was out there. At least I can. There is so much to do. It is a never ending battle. But just getting a little bit done makes me feel good. I wish is was going to be nice weather for a few more days...but it doesn't work that way sometimes. Caelum played hard outside...he is taking a nap and didn't even fight me on it. Everyday we are going to accomplish something...even if it is just a little bit. I like the way it makes me feel.

Myself....my sweetheart.

Amongst all of the things, people, thoughts, and life...I am looking for myself. I had a conversation the other day with one of my best friends who said she was looking for who she was after kids. As she was saying that I thought you know I am looking for myself with a child. Each day I think I have lost myself and it continues everyday. My joy at least part of it should come from spending time with my son. Being friends. I can see him changing...for the better in the last few days...maybe it's because he is almost 4. I love looking at his sweet little face. Giving him lots of kisses and hugs. I love the way he will explain to me at bedtime we have snuggled enough. Or when he comes to me with is hands pulling his hair straight up and asks me "Mom do I look ridiculous?"...and I think did he really just say ridiculous. I want him to love his life and enjoy every minute of it. That means I need to enjoy my life...when he is with me and when it is just me. I have never loved someone so much that just thinking 'who would have thought you could love something so much' makes you want to cry.

The past..... and present.

Well here is my blog for the second day in a row. I was trying to decide what to write about...which ya all know is hard for me to figure out. So I thought I would add a couple photos from when I was 19. I love these pictures. They remind me of when I was the happiest. I was really thin which made me somewhat happy. I loved shopping at the mission. Every Friday I would bring home a bag of clothes for a dollar. It was great. My converse was the best pair of shoes I have ever owned...I had them from the 9th grade until a couple of years ago...they were perfectly broken in. The sweater I am wearing I bought at the mission it was wool and I washed it...and it shrank the the perfect size...when does that happen? NEVER...



This photo is when I used to model wedding dresses
for my mom. I loved doing that. This dress is the smallest dress I ever fit into..a size 6...so really a size 4. I wish I still looked like that. I think I was kinda hot. Chris did too.. Everyone used to think I was bulimic...I wasn't. I love eating (obvious now) and hate throwing up.


So I guess that can be my new goal. I am trying to watch what I eat...and move more...Which brings me to the weather...why does it have to be rainy...I love walking...but not in the rain.

So basically...this is what I think about...how much my life sucks and how fat I am...god I need a hobby. Sweet.

I will keep you updated on how the food watching goes...usually great for the first couple days...then down hill. Maybe this will help me stay on track.

Ocean waves....

Okay so I pretty much suck at blogging...one time a month. What can I say. Apparently nothing. Things have been like ocean waves....nice and wonderful to look at from a distance...then when you get closer...you see the gray sky and feel the wind and realize it isn't so great. I am struggling with being a parent and a wife. Not that I don't enjoy it...I do...sometimes. Just like anyone else I am sure. I want to feel the happiness I used to feel. I don't laugh anymore. Not like before. I take things WAY to seriously. I guess it is good that I see that in myself.

Is it just me or is all my blogs depressing and about the same thing? Crap.

Who am I.....Really...

Lately I have been thinking about who I really am. What do I really like. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others...but this is different. I know certain people who...."know themselves". At least that is what it seems to me. They have a style with clothes, life, work. They know what they like...what they don't like. It seems that they are not influenced by what others like. I have realized that I don't know what I really like. Who I am. I am influenced by others..it is depressing me. I feel like I have lost myself. I don't even have a hobby. How do you decide who you are? What you love? Enjoy? Crave to be in your life? I don't know where to start.


Okay Paul...I blogged just for you. Thanks for pushing me. I need it.